tkd

tkd
Originally uploaded by hot_tea.

This is the essay that allowed me to pass the test. I now have a black stripe.


THAT FEELING IN THE PIT OF MY STOMACH


Tae kwon do has taught me a lot of things but there are three principles that I regularly apply to my daily life.

1. Overcoming fear.

I've learned first of all that the queasy feeling one gets in the pit of ones stomach before a test, or before competition can be overcome.

The first time I competed in a tournament I felt like I was going to be physically ill. Once I got into the ring though, I realized that the queasiness I felt was actually transformed into energy, focus and competitiveness. It was then that I first realized that the feeling of fear is just the flip side of many more positive emotions that are actually necessary in confronting any challenge.

The feeling is not dangerous. In fact, learning something new always comes with doubt and uncertainty. Many people feel that feeling and it makes them want to flee or quit. But in fact it is only in having that feeling and learning to rely on memory, skill and training that you can get past it. It sounds like a cliche but there's only one way to get through that feeling and that's to move through it.

2. Filling in forms with detail.

Second, I've learned that that are always more details to perfect in the shapes of things and that the fallacy of a beginner's mindset is that once you get the shape of the thing you are almost done. When I first learn a form, it's all about trying to master the moves, trying to commit the moves to memory. But I've realized that it's filling in the form with my energy, power, and precision that gives it depth and a lasting quality.

There are some days when it's all I can do to remember the moves. But then a moment will come when I perform a move with a particular amount of power and precision that I know that there is so much more to strive for. In those moments I realize that the forms themselves are just outlines --- which need to be shaded in with my power, focus and attention. It's then that I feel the power and strength that can come with my own physical being.

Sometimes when I'm at work I think about this. I am a radio producer so I'll come back from the field and start to work on a piece. I'll get the basic shape of it figured out. Then I have this feeling of having completed it. Then I realize that there are lots of little details that can give it more power. Only once I get a sense of the shape of something can I focus on the details. If I started out with the details I would be too overwhelmed. Learning tae kwon do has been like this for me. If I worried about every detail to start out with I would never have the patience to learn the whole shape. But once I've learned the shape I have to remember that there's a lot of work left to do.

3. Sometimes words aren't necessary.

I often tell people that tae kwon do is the first thing I've learned in which the learning did not take place through language. I've only come to appreciate the richness of tae kwon do through doing it. Trying to explain what makes it meaningful and makes me continue to come to class and push myself through the range of emotions that it evokes is almost impossible. It has more to do with understanding the above principles. And explaining these things with language is very difficult. I first thought that part of tae kwon do would be an explanation of the philosophy of the art. But the philosophy only comes through physical movement, practice and attention. This made me realize that in so many things, words are not sufficient to explain what is going on.

A few years ago my mother had a stroke and for a few months she had a very difficult time communicating. For the first few weeks she could barely say any words at all. Yet I felt like I was able to communicate with her in a way that was beyond words and in fact deeper than any communication I had ever had with her through language.

Tae kwon do is similar. I feel like I share something much deeper with my friends in class than that which can be expressed in words. It has more to do with the language of movement and confronting obstacles.

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